An Apology to Myself

I’m sorry for being so hard on myself. I am my biggest critic, and I am often times too hard on myself. I bring myself down constantly especially when it comes to how I am as a mother. Everyday I torment myself because of a situation I could have handled better. I don’t give myself enough slack. I expect perfection from myself all the time. While that may be a great thing for some things, it does nothing but cause grief when applied towards motherhood.

I’m sorry I push myself to the limit all the time. Doing that everyday makes things so much harder in the long run. I get burnt out easily because I don’t give myself a break every now and then. Being burnt out makes me tired and puts me in a bad mood making it nearly impossible to be the mom I aspire to be.

I’m sorry I don’t like to leave Andrew with a sitter. It’s not that I don’t trust people, its just that I don’t like the separation. Anthony and I really do need a date night every now and then, but it has been a long time since that happened. I will have to deal with this issue eventually. I know I have to let him live his own life, and experience things without me one day. I will try to work on this so it won’t be as hard when his first day of school comes around.

I’m sorry I feel so guilty every time I spend money on myself. It doesn’t matter if I am buying something I need like clothes or it is something I want like a movie, I always feel guilty about it. I just keep thinking that the money could go towards something for Andrew, Anthony, or even my dogs. It is okay to spend money on yourself every now and then. There is no reason I should feel guilty for it.

I am not a perfect person. I am nowhere near perfect, but I still have a family and a lot of friends who love me very much. I have no reason to be so critical of myself. I may not be the perfect mother, but I am and always will be the exact kind of mother Andrew needs.

My Friend the List

Before I was pregnant with Andrew, I rarely needed to use a list. I used a grocery shopping list, but that was about the extent of it. Things started to change once my “pregnancy brain” kicked in. I couldn’t keep track of things I need almost everyday like my phone and my keys. I started relying heavily on Anthony to help me find everything I misplaced, or couldn’t remember.

I figured things would get better once Andrew was born and all my hormones had settled, but I was wrong. In fact, things got much harder for me. The amount of things I constantly have to keep track of increased by so much, there is no way I would be able to remember everything we need to just leave the house without a list.

We need bottles, formula, diapers, wipes, toys, extra socks, a burp cloth, pacifiers, etc. That’s just for the baby. I still have to keep track of my wallet, keys, and phone. It is nearly impossible some days. If I’m not full of energy before we leave the house, then there really isn’t a point to leaving at all. If we did, then I am about 90% likely to forget something important. It has happened so many times before. We have even had to turn around and go back to the house so I can get whatever I had forgotten.

I love making lists now so I don’t forget things. The only problem is sometimes I forget where I put the list. I always put my lists in a “safe place,” but then of course I forget where that safe place is. What I should do is just put lists that are meant for home on the refrigerator, and lists that I need to take somewhere in my wallet. Then I will always know that the list I am looking for is in one of two places.

Maybe one day I won’t need lists as often, but if I am anything like my mom then that won’t be the case. It is far more likely that my need for lists will increase over the years. I guess I’m just getting ready for old age already.

Starting My Day Off Right

Yesterday I was feeling really down, and overwhelmed. It happens to the best of us, but the trick is knowing how to pick yourself back up again and keep on trucking. What I needed yesterday was a change, and that’s just what I did.

Andrew has started the grabbing and yanking hair phase. It was very painful for me. I get headaches very easily because of my epilepsy, so when Andrew started yanking on my hair, I was almost guaranteed to get a headache. Plus he would always end up pulling a few hairs out. I would find them wrapped around his fingers, toes, neck, and even his manhood! I was really scared that one day a hair would be wrapped too tightly around him, and he would start to lose circulation so I decided it was time to get a haircut.

My best friend is going to school to learn how to cut hair, so of course when she offered to do it for me I was thrilled. I never did anything with my hair other than brushing it once in the morning. I needed something easier to manage, and of course shorter. She kept asking if I was sure that I wanted it cut, and I kept assuring her that I did. She ended up cutting about 8 inches of hair! Now it only goes down to my jaw line.

I can run my fingers through it so easily. It feels so much lighter and cooler than it did, and best of all it is so easy to manage I don’t have to do anything with it! Last night when I took a shower I accidentally used too much shampoo because I was still used to my old length of hair. I was surprised for a minute and thought, “What happened to my hair? Oh right, I had it cut.” It made me laugh.

This morning I woke up and felt great. While all the issues that I was dealing with yesterday are still around, I don’t feel as down about them anymore. I know I can handle them when the time comes. I’m sure I will need help, but that’s okay. Everything will end up working out for the best.

It’s amazing how something so simple as a haircut can change your attitude. I think the big reason is when you feel like you have no control over what is happening in your life, the best thing you can do is find something you can control. I know people who clean when that happens, or rearrange their furniture. Whatever works for you, you should do it. Then it may be easier to deal with everything else going on now that you have your sense of control back. You may end up being as amazed as I am today with just how much better you feel!

My Clouded Mind

I want to apologize for not posting new things as often as I used to. I feel guilty every time I miss a day. Blogging is something that even though I am very new to doing, I already know I really love it. I know there are people who read my blog regularly and I feel like I owe it to you all to post as regularly as possible. Lately though my mind has been very clouded. There is so much going on in my life that I have been feeling very stressed which in turn aggravates my epilepsy.

I wish I could go into detail of everything that is bothering me, but some of it isn’t meant to be common knowledge yet. So for now you will have to bear with me in my vague explanations. I can tell you that it is very likely that I will have to be working soon. I have a direct sales business right now, but that may not be enough. If I do have to go back to work that means Andrew will have to be put in a daycare. I’m almost crying just thinking about it. I don’t want to be separated from him even for a few hours out of the day. What it comes down to though is if me going back to work is better for the family then the separation is just something that I will have to get used to.

I’ve been trying to think of other things I can do from home. If I could find something that wouldn’t require Andrew to be in daycare, that would be ideal. That way we don’t have to pay for child care. I’ve been thinking a lot about pursuing a writing career of some sort. (It is on my bucket list to have a book published after all.) Then there is the photography route. I have been doing photography since I was 11, and I have been published a couple of times for my wildlife pictures. I also love to paint, (although I really haven’t had the time to put into painting lately,) and it has crossed my mind to attempt to sell somethings I paint. Attempt being the key word there.

With so much on my mind lately, I can’t keep everything straight. I just end up getting stressed out. I’ve been trying to stay as calm as possible, but I admit it gets harder every day. Hopefully soon things will start getting better. For now I’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

Andrew’s Newest Milestone

Yesterday was a big day for baby Andrew. He said his first word! He said “Hello,” although he did pronounce it “Hewwo.” I still can’t believe it myself. My little one is only 5 1/2 months and he said “Hello!” I was so proud and excited that I immediately called Anthony to tell him.

He was shocked too of course, and wanted to hear it for himself so he told me to try and get him to say it again and get it on video. I tried. Let me tell you, I really tried. It just didn’t happen. Every time I tried to get him to repeat after me he just started smiling. It was adorable, but it wasn’t proof.

Maybe it was just a fluke thing. I doubt Andrew really knows what hello means, or the proper time to use it, but I am still counting it as his first word. Hopefully sometime soon I can get him to repeat it while his daddy is around.

My little one is growing up so fast. If he keeps this up I’ll have baby fever again in no time…

Andrew and His New Friend

This weekend a friend of mine was throwing a birthday party for her oldest son. I decided it might be fun to go and take Andrew because her youngest is just a few days younger than Andrew. To protect her youngest, we will call him Buddy.

Andrew hasn’t had a chance to be around other babies other than in the waiting room at the doctor’s office. He was fascinated by Buddy the moment he saw him. Buddy has already learned to sit up on his own long enough for him to play with his toys. Even while I was holding Andrew, no matter which way I tried to make him look, he still wanted to see Buddy.

I was curious to see if Andrew wanted to try sitting up just like Buddy was, so I sat down and put him on my lap. I balanced him as best as I could, and then slowly moved my hands away from him. To my amazement, he was actually sitting up without my help! He was using his hands for balance, and he was able to stay upright for about 5 minutes! I was so proud of him. Every time I had tried to have him sit up unsupported before he would just fall over within seconds.

Later on in the party Buddy was on the floor rolling over. I saw Andrew was watching him again so I put him right next to Buddy. He watched him for a while, but didn’t seem like he wanted to follow Buddy’s actions. Instead he felt content showing off his vocal cords. He babbled every sound he knew how to, and the other adults that were around seemed impressed. The attention made Andrew smile and babble even louder. Buddy was content with rolling around, and didn’t make a peep.

Andrew and Buddy may just be a few days apart, but they are a great example of how babies develop differently. Buddy seems to be making great strides towards moving around, and he will likely walk before Andrew does. Andrew on the other hand is content staying in one spot, but will probably start talking before Buddy.

Losing the Baby Weight

Some people are lucky and lose the weight they gained during pregnancy with ease, others really have to work at it, and some just don’t even care if it is there or not. At the beginning of my pregnancy with Andrew I kept telling myself that I wouldn’t care if I was a bit heavier. I was so lazy at the time I couldn’t imagine myself ever working out or dieting again. (Maybe that is because I was sleeping most of the first trimester.) When it came to the end of my pregnancy I had gained a total of 65 pounds. Needless to say, I wanted that weight gone.

I know that 65 pounds gained during a pregnancy isn’t “within normal range,” but my doctors never said I was gaining too much. Beyond that, even when I tried to eat healthy, I gained more than most women do during each week. I eventually just started eating what I wanted instead of stressing myself about what the scale said. I figured if it didn’t worry the doctors then it shouldn’t worry me. I know that part of that weight gain was from all the fluids. My fluid level was very close to being too much. Within a few days of Andrew being born I had lost 20 pounds.

I felt great losing so much so quickly, but I couldn’t seem to lose anymore after that. Because I never breastfed Andrew, I wasn’t able to lose anymore easily. I was soon facing the choice of either work out and diet, or buy a whole new wardrobe. Being the cheap person that I am, I went for the diet option.

I started counting carbs, and closely monitored what I ate. I lost another 15 pounds. Then I started to lose my drive for dieting and stayed at the same weight for a few months. It wasn’t until a couple weeks ago that I decided to continue losing more. This time I cut out sodas, eat smaller portions, and force myself to eat fresh vegetables.  So far I am down another 5 pounds. That puts my total weight loss since Andrew was born at 40 pounds! I’m very happy happy with how far I’ve come, and now I have my sights set on getting back to my pre-pregnancy weight. If I keep at it, I may be able to lose a little more than that.

Whether you have gained a lot or a little weight during your pregnancy, there is a good chance you will want to lose it just like I do. I’m no personal trainer or dietitian, but let me give you a few words of advice. Only lose the weight if you want to do it, this shouldn’t be something that you do to please other people. Be healthy about it. While losing a lot of weight very quickly seems appealing, the best way to do it is slowly because you are more likely to keep it off and you won’t be endangering your health. Finally don’t get discouraged. There will be times where you feel like you can’t lose anymore weight, or possibly even gain a few pounds, but just remember if you stay focused on your goal then one way or another it will happen!

Andrew’s Silly Quirks

While part of me always wants Andrew to stay a baby, there is something I really enjoy seeing as he continues to grow. I love to see his personality blossom. Everyday he is less and less like every other baby on the planet and more like an individual. Of course I think he is the sweetest thing ever because I am his mom, but every time that I notice a new mannerism of his I realize that he really is such a sweet little baby.

One of the first things he started doing was smiling. I have always loved seeing a baby smile with their big toothless grins, but Andrew takes it a step farther. Every time he smiles he turns his head as if to shy away. If it is possible for a baby to be either humble or embarrassed, then Andrew definitely is! It makes his already infectious smile that much more lovable. The only bad thing is that it is nearly impossible to take a picture of him smiling where he isn’t a blur.

Another little mannerism of Andrew’s is that he loves to curl his toes and cross his ankles. He always looks like he is trying to pinch you with his toes, and when he gets older I’m sure he will start pinching! When he is laying on the floor he likes to cross his ankles. He looks so relaxed. That in combination with he likes to put his hands up behind his head looks like he is relaxing in a hammock.

His newest thing is he likes to throw his left arm back and forth. He does it in his chair that will bounce if he throws his weight around. It’s smart really because now he can bounce whenever he wants to. He puts so much effort into bouncing himself that we call it rodeoing because it looks like he is bull riding the way he moves his arm. I don’t know if a lot of other babies do this or not, but this is new to me for sure. If it wasn’t for the safety harness on the chair he might just bounce right out of that chair!

Andrew also shows a lot of gusto when he tries to get something in his mouth when he is hungry. I know all babies do this, but that doesn’t make it any less funny. Andrew will grab onto one of my fingers, bring it to his mouth, and vigorously shake his head side to side to try and get my finger in his mouth. To make it even funnier, most of the time he even makes a loud “Ahh” sound. For whatever reason I find it so funny that I end up having a laugh attack every time.

I love discovering what type of person Andrew will turn into. I have a strong feeling he will be a genuinely funny person who doesn’t even have to try to be funny. I’m sure he will always be able to bring a smile to my face, and brighten up my day. What quirks do your kids have? Are they funny or infuriating ones?

The Worst Part of a Vacation

Everyone has a least favorite part of a vacation. For some people it is the actual travelling to and from their vacation spot, for others it may be the packing, but for me it is the unpacking. By the time my vacation is over I’m so tired that the last thing I want to do is put things away.

I don’t mind packing for the trip because I’m excited to go somewhere. While we are on the actual vacation it is inevitable that the suitcases are going to get very unorganized, so before leaving we have to repack to make everything fit back in properly. On our trip to Texas I had to pack to go to Anthony’s parent’s house, repack to go to my parent’s house, repack again to go back to Anthony’s parent’s house, and repack one more time so we could head back home. I was tired of looking at our suitcases and their contents once we got home.

Anthony and I left them still packed in our dining room for a couple days. We probably would have left them even longer if they weren’t in the dog’s way of their food. It came down to I was more tired of moving the suitcases around so the dogs could eat than I was dreading actually unpacking.

Unpacking this time was different for us because now we had all of Andrew’s stuff to unpack too. It still amazes me how much stuff a 4 month old needs. It goes far beyond clothes and diapers. We needed to bring his baby bathtub, bottles, bottle drying rack, toys, crib sheets, the list goes on. This meant we had a lot of extra things that needed to be unpacked.

While I love going on trips and vacations, part of me is glad that we won’t be going anywhere for a while just because I won’t have to unpack everything again. I can’t wait until Andrew is old enough to unpack his own suitcases. The point of having kids is to have an extra set of helping hands right?…Okay maybe not, but it is a nice perk!

Andrew’s First Time Swimming

During our family vacation to Texas, we took Andrew swimming for the first time. It was a great way for all of us to cool off in the the Texas humidity, and a great opportunity to expose Andrew to something new. I want to expose him to as many new things at a young age as possible because I don’t want him to be afraid of things as he gets older the way I am in some cases.

Anthony, Andrew, and I were visiting my parents in south Texas when we decided to go swimming. My mom is very good friends with a woman who has a very nice house and in ground pool. It is where she goes swimming throughout the year when she wants to because she never has to swim with strangers like she would if she went to a public pool. It is always very clean and well kept, and the fence and surrounding trees give you privacy.

I had the chance to break in my new swimsuit, and let me tell you I actually liked it better than I did in the store which never happens. (Of course the compliments I got didn’t hurt.) Little Andrew had a baby Speedo that my mother-in-law bought for him. It was sized for a six month old, so it was a little big but it wasn’t too bad. He looked so cute in it! I used to think no one should wear a Speedo, but now I think babies should be the only ones allowed to wear them because they are the only ones who can pull them off. Because of his very light and sensitive skin, I also put him in a t-shirt and baby SPF 70 just to be safe. I know I hate being sun burned, but I can’t even imagine how terrible it must be for a 5 month old to be sunburned. That just sounds cruel.

Andrew had a pool floaty that he sat in that allowed his lower half to be in the pool without risk of him drowning. (I was still right next to him the entire time just in case.) It even had a canopy over it that looked like a fish to keep the sun out of his face. Andrew loved it. He would sit back in it and look so relaxed that I thought he would fall asleep. He had his legs crossed and everything. I’ve never seen a baby more content. To change things up a bit for him, every now and then I would put him to where he was on his stomach in the floaty. His instincts started to kick in and he began kicking his legs. I was so proud. There was a little bit of water that had pooled in front of Andrew on the floaty that fascinated him. He kept splashing around in it. He even put his face in it a few times. (Don’t worry I didn’t let him stay like that for more than a few seconds)

Being a full grown adult that still can’t swim, you can’t even imagine how relieved I was to find that my baby didn’t show fear of the water like I used to have. I have a lot of irrational fears one of which is being in water that I am not tall enough to stand in while still being able to breathe. I really don’t want Andrew to have these same fears, so I am doing what I can to make him as comfortable with different situations as possible. While I know it is inevitable that he will have some fears, I would still like him to have as few as possible. I don’t want him to miss out on experiencing life just because he is afraid.