I’m sorry for being so hard on myself. I am my biggest critic, and I am often times too hard on myself. I bring myself down constantly especially when it comes to how I am as a mother. Everyday I torment myself because of a situation I could have handled better. I don’t give myself enough slack. I expect perfection from myself all the time. While that may be a great thing for some things, it does nothing but cause grief when applied towards motherhood.
I’m sorry I push myself to the limit all the time. Doing that everyday makes things so much harder in the long run. I get burnt out easily because I don’t give myself a break every now and then. Being burnt out makes me tired and puts me in a bad mood making it nearly impossible to be the mom I aspire to be.
I’m sorry I don’t like to leave Andrew with a sitter. It’s not that I don’t trust people, its just that I don’t like the separation. Anthony and I really do need a date night every now and then, but it has been a long time since that happened. I will have to deal with this issue eventually. I know I have to let him live his own life, and experience things without me one day. I will try to work on this so it won’t be as hard when his first day of school comes around.
I’m sorry I feel so guilty every time I spend money on myself. It doesn’t matter if I am buying something I need like clothes or it is something I want like a movie, I always feel guilty about it. I just keep thinking that the money could go towards something for Andrew, Anthony, or even my dogs. It is okay to spend money on yourself every now and then. There is no reason I should feel guilty for it.
I am not a perfect person. I am nowhere near perfect, but I still have a family and a lot of friends who love me very much. I have no reason to be so critical of myself. I may not be the perfect mother, but I am and always will be the exact kind of mother Andrew needs.
I want to apologize for not posting new things as often as I used to. I feel guilty every time I miss a day. Blogging is something that even though I am very new to doing, I already know I really love it. I know there are people who read my blog regularly and I feel like I owe it to you all to post as regularly as possible. Lately though my mind has been very clouded. There is so much going on in my life that I have been feeling very stressed which in turn aggravates my epilepsy.
I wish I could go into detail of everything that is bothering me, but some of it isn’t meant to be common knowledge yet. So for now you will have to bear with me in my vague explanations. I can tell you that it is very likely that I will have to be working soon. I have a direct sales business right now, but that may not be enough. If I do have to go back to work that means Andrew will have to be put in a daycare. I’m almost crying just thinking about it. I don’t want to be separated from him even for a few hours out of the day. What it comes down to though is if me going back to work is better for the family then the separation is just something that I will have to get used to.
I’ve been trying to think of other things I can do from home. If I could find something that wouldn’t require Andrew to be in daycare, that would be ideal. That way we don’t have to pay for child care. I’ve been thinking a lot about pursuing a writing career of some sort. (It is on my bucket list to have a book published after all.) Then there is the photography route. I have been doing photography since I was 11, and I have been published a couple of times for my wildlife pictures. I also love to paint, (although I really haven’t had the time to put into painting lately,) and it has crossed my mind to attempt to sell somethings I paint. Attempt being the key word there.
With so much on my mind lately, I can’t keep everything straight. I just end up getting stressed out. I’ve been trying to stay as calm as possible, but I admit it gets harder every day. Hopefully soon things will start getting better. For now I’ll just have to wait and see what happens.
Sorry I haven’t been posting. I am on vacation, so I probably won’t write any new blog posts until I get back. Thank you for understanding that I am on a much needed vacation! 🙂