Tag Archive | mom

An Apology to Myself

I’m sorry for being so hard on myself. I am my biggest critic, and I am often times too hard on myself. I bring myself down constantly especially when it comes to how I am as a mother. Everyday I torment myself because of a situation I could have handled better. I don’t give myself enough slack. I expect perfection from myself all the time. While that may be a great thing for some things, it does nothing but cause grief when applied towards motherhood.

I’m sorry I push myself to the limit all the time. Doing that everyday makes things so much harder in the long run. I get burnt out easily because I don’t give myself a break every now and then. Being burnt out makes me tired and puts me in a bad mood making it nearly impossible to be the mom I aspire to be.

I’m sorry I don’t like to leave Andrew with a sitter. It’s not that I don’t trust people, its just that I don’t like the separation. Anthony and I really do need a date night every now and then, but it has been a long time since that happened. I will have to deal with this issue eventually. I know I have to let him live his own life, and experience things without me one day. I will try to work on this so it won’t be as hard when his first day of school comes around.

I’m sorry I feel so guilty every time I spend money on myself. It doesn’t matter if I am buying something I need like clothes or it is something I want like a movie, I always feel guilty about it. I just keep thinking that the money could go towards something for Andrew, Anthony, or even my dogs. It is okay to spend money on yourself every now and then. There is no reason I should feel guilty for it.

I am not a perfect person. I am nowhere near perfect, but I still have a family and a lot of friends who love me very much. I have no reason to be so critical of myself. I may not be the perfect mother, but I am and always will be the exact kind of mother Andrew needs.

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My Friend the List

Before I was pregnant with Andrew, I rarely needed to use a list. I used a grocery shopping list, but that was about the extent of it. Things started to change once my “pregnancy brain” kicked in. I couldn’t keep track of things I need almost everyday like my phone and my keys. I started relying heavily on Anthony to help me find everything I misplaced, or couldn’t remember.

I figured things would get better once Andrew was born and all my hormones had settled, but I was wrong. In fact, things got much harder for me. The amount of things I constantly have to keep track of increased by so much, there is no way I would be able to remember everything we need to just leave the house without a list.

We need bottles, formula, diapers, wipes, toys, extra socks, a burp cloth, pacifiers, etc. That’s just for the baby. I still have to keep track of my wallet, keys, and phone. It is nearly impossible some days. If I’m not full of energy before we leave the house, then there really isn’t a point to leaving at all. If we did, then I am about 90% likely to forget something important. It has happened so many times before. We have even had to turn around and go back to the house so I can get whatever I had forgotten.

I love making lists now so I don’t forget things. The only problem is sometimes I forget where I put the list. I always put my lists in a “safe place,” but then of course I forget where that safe place is. What I should do is just put lists that are meant for home on the refrigerator, and lists that I need to take somewhere in my wallet. Then I will always know that the list I am looking for is in one of two places.

Maybe one day I won’t need lists as often, but if I am anything like my mom then that won’t be the case. It is far more likely that my need for lists will increase over the years. I guess I’m just getting ready for old age already.

Starting My Day Off Right

Yesterday I was feeling really down, and overwhelmed. It happens to the best of us, but the trick is knowing how to pick yourself back up again and keep on trucking. What I needed yesterday was a change, and that’s just what I did.

Andrew has started the grabbing and yanking hair phase. It was very painful for me. I get headaches very easily because of my epilepsy, so when Andrew started yanking on my hair, I was almost guaranteed to get a headache. Plus he would always end up pulling a few hairs out. I would find them wrapped around his fingers, toes, neck, and even his manhood! I was really scared that one day a hair would be wrapped too tightly around him, and he would start to lose circulation so I decided it was time to get a haircut.

My best friend is going to school to learn how to cut hair, so of course when she offered to do it for me I was thrilled. I never did anything with my hair other than brushing it once in the morning. I needed something easier to manage, and of course shorter. She kept asking if I was sure that I wanted it cut, and I kept assuring her that I did. She ended up cutting about 8 inches of hair! Now it only goes down to my jaw line.

I can run my fingers through it so easily. It feels so much lighter and cooler than it did, and best of all it is so easy to manage I don’t have to do anything with it! Last night when I took a shower I accidentally used too much shampoo because I was still used to my old length of hair. I was surprised for a minute and thought, “What happened to my hair? Oh right, I had it cut.” It made me laugh.

This morning I woke up and felt great. While all the issues that I was dealing with yesterday are still around, I don’t feel as down about them anymore. I know I can handle them when the time comes. I’m sure I will need help, but that’s okay. Everything will end up working out for the best.

It’s amazing how something so simple as a haircut can change your attitude. I think the big reason is when you feel like you have no control over what is happening in your life, the best thing you can do is find something you can control. I know people who clean when that happens, or rearrange their furniture. Whatever works for you, you should do it. Then it may be easier to deal with everything else going on now that you have your sense of control back. You may end up being as amazed as I am today with just how much better you feel!

Andrew’s First Time Swimming

During our family vacation to Texas, we took Andrew swimming for the first time. It was a great way for all of us to cool off in the the Texas humidity, and a great opportunity to expose Andrew to something new. I want to expose him to as many new things at a young age as possible because I don’t want him to be afraid of things as he gets older the way I am in some cases.

Anthony, Andrew, and I were visiting my parents in south Texas when we decided to go swimming. My mom is very good friends with a woman who has a very nice house and in ground pool. It is where she goes swimming throughout the year when she wants to because she never has to swim with strangers like she would if she went to a public pool. It is always very clean and well kept, and the fence and surrounding trees give you privacy.

I had the chance to break in my new swimsuit, and let me tell you I actually liked it better than I did in the store which never happens. (Of course the compliments I got didn’t hurt.) Little Andrew had a baby Speedo that my mother-in-law bought for him. It was sized for a six month old, so it was a little big but it wasn’t too bad. He looked so cute in it! I used to think no one should wear a Speedo, but now I think babies should be the only ones allowed to wear them because they are the only ones who can pull them off. Because of his very light and sensitive skin, I also put him in a t-shirt and baby SPF 70 just to be safe. I know I hate being sun burned, but I can’t even imagine how terrible it must be for a 5 month old to be sunburned. That just sounds cruel.

Andrew had a pool floaty that he sat in that allowed his lower half to be in the pool without risk of him drowning. (I was still right next to him the entire time just in case.) It even had a canopy over it that looked like a fish to keep the sun out of his face. Andrew loved it. He would sit back in it and look so relaxed that I thought he would fall asleep. He had his legs crossed and everything. I’ve never seen a baby more content. To change things up a bit for him, every now and then I would put him to where he was on his stomach in the floaty. His instincts started to kick in and he began kicking his legs. I was so proud. There was a little bit of water that had pooled in front of Andrew on the floaty that fascinated him. He kept splashing around in it. He even put his face in it a few times. (Don’t worry I didn’t let him stay like that for more than a few seconds)

Being a full grown adult that still can’t swim, you can’t even imagine how relieved I was to find that my baby didn’t show fear of the water like I used to have. I have a lot of irrational fears one of which is being in water that I am not tall enough to stand in while still being able to breathe. I really don’t want Andrew to have these same fears, so I am doing what I can to make him as comfortable with different situations as possible. While I know it is inevitable that he will have some fears, I would still like him to have as few as possible. I don’t want him to miss out on experiencing life just because he is afraid.

First Swimsuit Season as a New Mom

It’s that time of year again, swimsuit season. I dread it. I always have. There is always so much pressure to be in shape, but not just any shape, the “perfect” shape. I used to wear a one piece swimsuit for years, but I always got teased for it. I was just never comfortable showing that much skin.

About 5 years ago I finally felt comfortable enough in my own skin to wear a two piece. Every time I put it on though, I had to triple check that it looked okay in the mirror before I let anyone else see me. I guess I wasn’t all that comfortable after all. Sometimes I used an excuse that I was scared I would sun burn so I could wear a large t-shirt over it. Did it make swimming difficult? Yes. Did I care? No.

This is my first swimsuit season since I had Andrew. My body is very different. I am even less comfortable in my skin now than I was before. The stretch marks don’t bug me, but the saggy skin does. It is weird. I put off going shopping for a swimsuit because I really didn’t want to see what I look like now in the mirror. I finally bought one a couple of days ago. I went with a tankini, so I wouldn’t feel so uncomfortable. I was pleasantly surprised how it made my mid section look. What I didn’t like was the fit in the chest, and how my thighs looked.

Apparently anyone who needs a size medium top in a tankini has breasts that are at least big C’s because let me tell you those cups look huge. I am a B cup. My chest got lost in that swimsuit. It is a halter top though, so I can at least tighten it up enough so I won’t accidentally flash people (hopefully). I couldn’t go for a size small because that wouldn’t have fit my mid section. I probably would have ripped it. What they should do is have 2 sizes. For example, a size medium and a B cup, a size medium and a C cup, a size small with a C cup, etc. Makes sense right? Some of us just weren’t blessed with the size boobs that the people who make swimsuits think we should have. I already feel uncomfortable finding a swim suit that looks good on me, the last thing I need is to also feel like I’m not proportionate.

I probably should have bought some swim shorts to go with my swimsuit because of my thighs. They probably don’t look as bad as I think they do, but I still don’t want people seeing them. They did not go back to the way they used to be before I was pregnant. A lot of my weight gain is still in my thighs, and I can’t seem to lose it. I have to wear size 12 pants to comfortably fit my thighs, but I only need a 10 for my waist. I could put in a lot of effort and focus on workouts for my thighs, but I don’t have the energy for that. Kudos to those that do, but I would rather just cover up than work out.

I haven’t actually been swimming yet, but i probably will be soon. You can expect a post about that day sometime soon after it happens. Hopefully, all goes well…

The Only Shows I Can Watch

I’m a stay at home mom. A stay at home mom with no cable. When I say no cable, I also mean no basic cable. That means no local news or weather. Not even a telenovella. That leaves me with Netflix, Hulu, and Vudu.

Of course that gives me a lot of options for what I can watch, the problem is I can’t watch anything new to me. Why is that? When taking care of a 4 month old, I can’t concentrate on anything besides him for more than a few minutes at a time unless he is asleep. Of course I also happen to have the baby who protests naps. In the off chance he does fall asleep, it will only be for about 10 minutes.

I would probably have to watch the same episode of a show 3 times before I am able to see the whole thing. I tried watching a new to me series yesterday. I got 5 minutes in and had already missed an important plot point. I was already lost. I knew it was pointless, so I decided to go back to a series I had already watched in it’s entirety 3 times. It is mostly just background noise anyway right?

There are still plenty of things I would like to watch that I know my husband has no interest in, but the only way that would happen is if I stay up later than he does. No way that will work. He can run on 3 or 4 hours of sleep. I can’t. If I tried to, then I doubt there is enough caffeine in the world to make me cheerful the next morning.

It’s sad that I can’t even watch T.V.. I knew I wouldn’t be able to read any book unless it was meant for babies, but I thought I could still enjoy a new show every now and then. If someone ever gives you a hard time and says you get to do whatever you want all day as a stay at home mom, just tell them that is far from the truth. If you are like me and can’t even watch a new 30 minute long show in one sitting, then you know that you do not get to do whatever you want.